"So, how did you feel this night?" (CRUSHING ON SOMEONE PART I)

As an only child, I easily get into particular person who has dignity, intelligence, broad knowledge, and someone who is unique and distinctive to me. The correlation? Having no siblings (particularly brother) and the fact that my father just passed away makes me feeling lack of affection from men. Currently, in this semester (4th semester), I am looking up to a person who sits one year above me. Yep, he is my senior. Honestly, I've been admiring him since I was in third semester, the first time we knew each other.

First time I got to know him was when I had to interview him due to tasks related to kaderisasi. Since then I know that he hates swearing (I do it often tho). And, we do like several songs from Alina Baraz. That's it. I then keep admiring him covertly. He is so smart and talkative. I am extroverted but whenever I'm near him, I would talk less and be quieter.

Months passed, and I held a position in Wisuda Oktober (graduation), specifically in the division of logistic. I was the head. Not so shockingly that he was in the same division as mine. There was a time when I had to turn back a keyboard used in Wisuda Night. I asked him to give me a ride (he has a car) and also to help me bring the keyboard up to my friend's room. He initially refused, so I was like ok no probs. I then asked my friend (a boy, and this friend of mine is pretty close to him either). Then, one hour from that, I knew and heard that he approached my friend and asked him, "So you'll be going with Denti? Well, let me help and take you guys there." I was surprised to know that myself haha.

So, three of us were inside his car already. I sat on the rear seat. After putting back the keyboard (ofc they two who did it), my friend got off the car since his rented house is nearby. Finally, there was just two of us inside the car. Not too long after that, he initiated the conversation, which made me shook.

"So, how did you feel this night?", he initiated.

There was a moment of silence. I DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE MEANT.

"Hmm, nothing", I replied with confusion. I was trying to figure out the meaning behind that question. Then, what came up to my mind was what happened in the Wisuda Night that was held few hours before. Yes, the moment his girl showed up, then everyone was teasing they two (his girl is one of those graduates).

"So, you know already?", he continued.

"Hmm, I guess so?"

"You know, we both like each other. We both have confessed to each other that we like each other. But we both are not in relationship because we both hate relationship without commitment."

Yes, I intentionally bold those words to imitate the way he stressed them. Yes, he stressed them!

I was silent. I was baffled being in that situation. So, I just replied him with disinterestedness: "Okay."

That was late night already. My smartphone showed that it was already 01:00 a.m. Two of us, just both of us, were awkwardly remained silent.

After more or less 3 km after, he tried to break that thorny ambience with saying in Bahasa, "Sadang Serang, yak?". 

"Yap".

Then, the situation turned into awkwardness once again. I tried to fix the situation.

"She also lives near mine, Cigadung, doesn't she?"

"Yes. Jalan Sigma No.. (I forgot)".

"Oh! Those subject-named streets haha".

"I've ever accompanied her home twice."

Deep down I was like why the hell you screw up the situation after I thought it was going to be alright after I fixed it? 

"Do you like being in a car that is speeding up to the max velocity?", out of the blue he asked.

"Never experienced that before."

Then he stepped on the pedal and the car started speeding up. That was the fastest car I've ever been in.

"You like it?"

"Kinda".

He repeated his showing-off attraction. I was flattered after all.

Then, the car stopped at the parking lot of my campus.  He saw me off when I got off the car.